Germany: Aspie haven

Second blog of the day. I figure I will be busy at work all week and won't want to blog so it's better to get into the habit now.

One thing I wanted to blog about is Germany. I lived there for two years but that was ages and ages ago. But it was also my first real experience far and away from Oregon, and in some ways was an aspie haven of sorts.

When I first arrived in Germany, I was prepared. I looked up a bunch of information in the Bend library about Germany because I had a feeling I would end up there or in Europe. You see, my goal was to join the Air Force to escape the USA. I remember the long flight and my plane having to make an emergency landing in Köln (Cologne) to refuel. My first memories were landing and all these Ford Transit trucks and vans rushing around on the tarmac.

I was so happy to see all the Opels, European Fords and other assorted cars that I had never seen in real life. Of course, this would be countered by the fact that I had to deal with Americans on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, but for an aspie the US can be a nightmare. People in the US are so polite and nosy and pushy about being nice. Ugh.

Germans are people who all seem to be aspies. At first anyway. No one smiles or bothers to look at you in any store unless you flag them down. And usually you will be greeted with a "wass?" (what?) when asking for help. Nice.

Everyone follows the rules. No one crosses when the signs say "don't walk" (in German there are red and green men instead of the red hand and white leaning stick man). The food is more simplistic. Road signs are easy and logical. Trains run on time. So do buses. 24 hour time, little to no humor. What a dream for an aspie. Oh and the fact that I did not understand German and could simply go about my business without speaking to anyone was a bonus that even Germans were not afforded!

After a while though, reality sets in and Germany was Germany and I was still American. There were things in Germany that were totally illogical (like stores that close at 5 pm on weekdays, 1 pm on Saturdays and close all day Sunday). There were no Taco Bells. Chips came in two flavors: original and paprika. The music was like techno on speed or fake R&B stars that could not make it in the US or hadn't made it yet. TV was on AFN which was like old re-runs of US shows with public service announcements about eating too much or not leaving your car in the woods for commercials. Phone numbers and license plates followed illogical patterns (there was no fixed length for either) so one phone number could be 06565-61-097 and the next could be 06565-61-0097 and be in the same town. I did not like that at all. Plates were one letter for big cities (F for Frankfurt; except Hamburg which was HH), two for medium and three for small. Would it be so hard to just have two letter combos for every municipality? Really? (Geek side note: The one thing I liked about the plates in our area was that a lot started with BIT for BIT-burg which was nearby. A series of them used "CH" as the first two letters so there were a lot of "BIT-CH" plates that were subsequently stolen by Americans.)

I liked Germany but never loved it. Then I met a guy who lived in Luxembourg which I liked much more. It was like Germany but everyone spoke French, the only foreign language I somewhat have a grasp on. It was nice reading street signs and understanding them or being able to ask for something. But because I played my hand in the lottery, I ended up losing my free ride in Europe and ended up back in the US (on the East Coast) which was in 1997. Me and him split up soon after or pretty much when I moved.

I still miss the days of everyone being on the same schedule. Except on weeknights, Saturdays and Sundays of course. But I have noticed that although some places (which I usually don't frequent: Moe's) still welcome you as you walk in, most Americans working retail are now like Germans (or reading a text), there are self-check-outs and when you need help with someone you really have to flag someone down. The bad economy is good for something after all.

"Do you have a professional diagnosis?"

In true AS fashion, I have spent the past couple of weeks being obsessed with something. This time, it's AS. And herein lies the AS hierarchy conundrum: I hate talking about personal things (like what's "wrong" with me) but it is usurped by the fact that I want to go on long tangents about my latest obsession (MLA). Also, it helps to talk with others to get a feel of what they think. Not that I necessarily care, but it may give some insight to what I have been thinking.

The universal reaction to my announcement that I *could* have AS has been NEGATIVE. Hence the reason for this secret blog that I will disclose at a later point. Again, not that I care but it is a little boring to hear people tell me all about me when it is very apparent they are not actually me. Me and my big mouth are to thank I guess.

Most of the people say comments along the lines of "oh really, did you self-diagnose?" or "I think you are selling yourself short" or my personal favorite, "you don't act like Rain Man". It is like I told them something totally illogical. Like I am saying "I now have the ability to fly" (which is a bad analogy because I need to desperately to clarify that I mean that in such a scenario I would imply that I can fly on my own accord as it is quite possible for me to fly now as long as I have a plane ticket).

I don't quite know if I am misinterpreting what people are telling me as disbelief or compassion. If someone were to tell me they think they "have something" and then laid out extensive evidence to back up that point but could not get an appointment with a doctor for two to three months, I would be inclined to believe them until proven otherwise. Which is the exactly the opposite from the reaction I have received.

Perhaps it seems impossible because on the surface I am a nice (enough) person? Or that I like certain people or even that I like dancing on the rare occasion? Or that I have suddenly chosen a fate worse than death by embracing the idea that many of the things that make me me are indicative of someone who has AS?

I also think that people take the fact that someone is a doctor completely for granted. If I do have AS, I will say that the best thing it has given me is the gift to trust no one. Not even me. I think being gullible and believing people took its toll on me long ago and now I see it as a fact that people are never who they appear. An appointment to a psychiatrist basically consists of someone asking the other person some questions, the other person taking ratings scales and then the first person researching symptoms and concluding (based on his/her opinion) that the other person does or does not have a diagnosis. WOW. Doctors are simply humans who look at evidence and make a choice. Nothing more, nothing less. After getting my MS degree, I realized that tenacity plays as big, if not bigger part of getting a higher level degree. People who are completely moronic have all kinds of degrees and make all kinds of stupid mistakes daily. Intelligence is subjective in any case. And people are just people whether they are a maid or a doctor or Cynthia Nixon being a bitch in a park in NYC. I'll save the details of that one for another blog.

Entry One (Two)

I wrote this long and rambling blog a couple of days back and then I guess blogger crashed and it is no longer in existence. Even my blog name & title are gone. So I guess I will try to regroup and start over again. So my life as a so-called aspie rises from the ashes.

I am starting a blog because I don't want to write everything in facebook notes because I have too many fb friends. This will all be explained in due time.

You see, my bf of 7.5 years has been telling me things like, "you are so autistic" or "you have Asperger's!" for some time now. As he works with adults with developmental disabilities and delays, he is around people of this nature on a daily basis. I have spent equal amount of time blowing him off and thinking that I am simply "random" or "a little off".

Then I had an incident with a friend that got me thinking. I had taken this "do you have Asperger Syndrome (AS)?" (not the exact title) quiz and scored a 37 out of 50 on it. And that was me being very generous with my answers. When I took it over and answered the questions more truthfully, I had a 46. So after the aforementioed episode, I came home and started delving into the world of AS. I did quite a few online quizzes and tests and failed/passed (depending on one's viewpoint) each one... Uh-oh.

Then I began reviewing my adult life and childhood to see if there were signs. Uh-oh again... Rather than go on and on and on (which is something an aspie loves to do) I will give you a few quick bulleted points. Because bullets are just so nice and to the point.

• Friends: I have to admit that as a child most of my friends were the children of my parents' friends. I never really thought about why that was because rather than spending time with friends, I was spending time in my room or the library reading things like encyclopedias or phone books or directories or anything non fiction. Not in a sad and lonely way, more of a "leave me alone because I am doing what I like" sort of way.
• Obsessions: The typical cliché about AS is that people who have it have one or two obsessions. Well my number one is cars but there were/are many others. I have been able to tell every car on the road since I was two and half-ish. I can only remember back to around three so this is information I have gleaned from stories told by relatives. I do remember knowing every car on the road at three and four. In any case, I love cars (and not classic cars or sports cars or luxury cars or SUVs or trucks. Simple passenger cars, thank you). I loved planets, dinosaurs, earthquakes, volcanoes, the flow of traffic, phone numbers, area codes, zip codes, census figures, pop charts, maps and so on. Not that I lost interest in any of these as an adult. I have long learned that almost no one else has the obsessive interest that I do so I quit waxing poetic about the NANP (look it up) long ago.
• Know-it-all: Or as I told my bf and friend "I do know a lot but I don't know everything". I am not a genius. Far from it. But there are things that I know everything about and I always thought that people like to know everything about every single thing in the world. However being wikipedia with speakers is how I think others may see me, for better or for worse. Usually for worse.
• Rude: I have never been considered subtle. I either tell it like it is or have to bite my tongue and say nothing. Even when I try to fake being nice, it is just... fake. When people ask me what I think, I tell them because why else would they be asking? So it came as a shock when I learned that when someone's outfit makes them look awful, it's perfectly fine to say it looks good. When I tell people I may be an aspie and use this an an example, the usual response is, "But that is what I like about you, you tell it like it is!"
• Food: I have lots of friends who are "foodies" and like to try all different kinds of foods. Or worse, share. I have to admit I am pretty open to trying new things. And when I find a new thing I like... well look out. If I were single, I would have no problem eating Top Ramen or Asian food or Indian food every single day of the week or month. It's not that it is so "comforting" but it is just that eating food is a sensory experience that is a bit much at times. One weird texture, smell, taste or unsightly aspect of food can really put me off. This is why dark meat of chicken does not pass my lips. Or raw onions. It's also why when I go to fast food places, I usually get the same exact thing. Or just don't like to eat at certain places (Chick-Fil-A... YUCK!). I have always hated sharing food as well. I mean sharing a bite or even portions that are specifically divided is fine. Grabbing a "bite" off of my plate is not.
• Smells: Smells bother me. A lot. I don't like perfume/cologne. I don't like a lot of air freshener. I really hate the smell of cigarettes, pot, old cars (gasoline) or diesel. Ugh. It's not that, "oh that smells bad" but it's an intense feeling that makes me get a headache.
• Patterns: I see patterns in lots of things. Maybe this is why I like 80's electro music so much. It is very patterned on a drum machine and sythesizer and nothing like live music (which I hate with a passion).

I could go on for days/weeks/months but these and more will be topics of discussion in future blog entries. Watch this space.